lessons from my grandma

My Lola (grandma), who is recovering from a stroke and can barely hear, speaks sparsely and longs so simply to walk, knows me well, perhaps better than anyone here.

I had lunch at her bedside today.  She asked me, "Are you bored?"

Me:  "Medio" (a little)

It wasn't time to be fake or save face.  There is enough of that here.  Not that it's out of maliciousness or anything but so many people seem to be walking on eggshells and being too nice, probably especially with my lola.  So nice in fact that badness is kinda missed and I feel forced to be a bitch simply to take the nice edge of the environment.  I think as you get older, you want to decrease the amount of bullshit in your life.  I mean yes we are all facing death and the next unknown, some of us more likely to pass on sooner than others so why lie, why pretend things are okay or nice.  I appreciate simple things like being able to drive or having enough dexterity to type here.  I don't meant to lose appreciation.  I just meant to be authentic and even extravagant in personal authenticity.  Honesty, Radical Honesty, seems to be my grandmother's and I favorite language.

She nodded in undrstanding.  She doesn't say much and she doesn't have to.  Upon speaking with her daily, I've come to see how the act of listening is not so dependent on actually hearing words as it is being present.  She is as present as she can be and that is such a powerful lesson.

It's painful for me to admit that I allowed myself to be bored today.  I can walk, I can yoga, I can read or do something active but I allowed myself to let a moment of bored slip me into an unpleasant mood and an inactive day.  I feel the freedom of a momentary escape from the rat race and at the same time cooped up here in the "compound" the entire day, with ants on my bed, the seductive scent of ripe mangos filling my room and wasting moments of open freedom feeling bored.  Note to self:  continue to make list of top three things to accomplish daily.

Everything is amazing, how can I be bored or even thinking about going back to traffic on the 405 and workin' on the hustle or as I so remember attempting my "run (of) LA."  I asked my mom if I could come back today, I didn't like her answer.

I am allowing myself to be bored.  My lol, on the other hand, she I am sure is not intentionally bored.  She is I think longing simply for more stimulus and interaction with the world.  Family sit and talk with her less and less.  At least she has an amazing crew of caregivers but growing old is tough if you are in a culture that devalues age and celebrates youth.  I mean how stupid is it to celebrate the unwisest among us and devalue the wisdom and experience accrued in our elderly.  They have survived long for reasons and have experienced similar challenges, heartaches and glories.  I learn so much just sitting at my grandma's bedside.

We exchanged stories and I briefly tried to explain TARP and Obama's economic stimulus plan but she has more pressing issues to be occupied with like if she will be able drop a deuce today.  She is relying on medicine to pass a bowel movement.  My uncle, suffering from depression, has pills to sleep, stop his trembling, stay awake, control his heart rate, etc...I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that at least 50% of his bodily functions are being controlled by prescription medication.  Those psychotic drugs are fucking intense.

I learned that my affinity for passing shits is genetic or at least a learned trait.  My lovely grandmother is not happy when she cannot release a morning crustacean and I'm quite sure she is as fanatical as I am about keeping her ass as clean as possible.

Hygiene, we both are big fans.  Here I think a plug for Dr. Bronner's Soap is necessary.  If you ever want to show me some material love out here and feel like sending me yourself or a care package, I would be elated to receive Dr. Bronner's Soap in peppermint.  On humid days with a minimal amount of water pressure, Dr. Bronner's is the only soap that leaves me feeling cleansed, even if its only until I step out of the bathroom and into the hot, humid air.  It is worth it for the amazing tingling sensation across the surface of your body.  A perpetual hotness and wetness has been my reality the past couple of days.  I don't think my hair has actually been dry since I arrived.  I could seek out a blow dry.

"Life is short" my grandmother tells me.  She doesn't have to say much else.  She lets the teacher within speak the rest.  Life is short so _______.  You fill in your blank.  Your answer is the only one that matters.

(I'm going to experience with a blogspot perhaps, I like the format a little more.)

Great cousing G Chat convo!  Miss you Sha!

 me:  i support your decision either way
let the wiser part of you speak to you
and don't make a decision out of fear
of whatever, and whatever the outcome
value the process
of growing up and being you!

writing for an audience and ode to shit

I was concerned with my ability to tell a story for awhile.  Recently a lot of my verbal exchange has been online or to some type of screen.  Whether, it was to friends, groups of acquaintances, or business dealings, so much "txt" was going on that kind of abbreviated speech began to saturate my conversation.  I appreciate directness but not the sacrifice of communication for word count.  When I was younger, I identified myself as a talkative child.  It's not that I don't enjoy talking now but that I seek out meaningful conversation and not filler conversation as much.  Small talk might have been a filler activity for me to fill a void whereas now I can be content to be still.

Well, I mean that is ths space I am in now.  I was not as centered this morning.  I guess what did it was another email I sent to a friend stateside.  It was a good exchange that renewed my writing and verbal ability.  I am sure I can write and communicate when I have the intention to talk to a good friend or at least a good idea about my audience.  Maybe it is as in writing as it is in business, seek out your market.

I might shift this blog to share letters I've written.  Experimenting on ways to best capture moments here within the time.  Doing less is certainly more when it opens up moments to really be with your experience.  I won'y value an effort to blog if I'm missing out on activities away from the cyber web on my laptop.

I had another kilo of mangosteens today that made sweet sweet love to my insides.  My ooey gooey delicious insides.  If we are what we eat I am without a doubt a scrumptous human mass of tropical sweetness, milky white flesh with a soft, sweet texture, encapuslated by purple sphere of love.

In all my experience with cuisine, I still find some of the most seductive tastes to be straight from the earth.  Having the pleasure of watching a tree grow and bear something for you to enjoy harnessing nutrients from the soil, hydration from water and energy from the sun is humbling.

Plants rule the green movement.

I had a day dream once where I was making this makeshit ghillie suit from the biggest, broadest leaves harvested outside my window that somehow morphed into solar cells.  It was unreal but cool. 

A little lizard has joined me in the room now.  Maybe its nature's way of getting at the mosquitos that have found their way onto my body.

Day 2

I felt a sobering wave of sadness this morning.  The fact that I would be here for 5 years sunk in deep.

Before I left LA, I don't know if it was in defense or just by laziness that I acted with the attitude like I was not leaving.  How could I be leaving? How could I be leaving my farmers' market mornings, santa monica runs, Sunday power yoga, Raw food, friends, family, MY BROTHER and MY MOTHER!

I refuse to start a day off sad.   Although we are not our emotions, the effects of the kind of sadness would be aggravating if not slightly devastating to me.  I am in an incredible place with incredible opportunities to find myself, be among my roots and culture, discover who I am and live so well.  I just had some durian today!  Freshly cracked and soon I may find a box of mangosteens.

Just like that comic said, "Everything is Amazing, and no one is happy."  I'm more than happy, if only I didn't have that feeling that I have "left" something behind I WOULD BE ELATED, ECSTATIC, in an ever-present Euphoria!

I saw this cute guy on the plane that I didn't talk to, he didn't seem too receptive to my smile but as my grandpa once said, "Don't be shy, all they can say is yes or no."  Yes I will help you, No I will not, Yes I will like you, No I will not, Yes I will love you, No I will not, Yes. No. Yes. No.  Maybe's might be a concern or consideration but it simply buys time for the yes or no, perhaps for consideration of other factors or to see if better options arise.

I saw my grandma maura today.  She is 87 now.  She has not changed to much.  There is a lightness in her being despite being one of the most stubborn and exaggerated personalities I know.  When my uncle did not return with her Jeep in a timely manner she insisted on walking from my family's compound to the street to ride a Jeep home.  This woman is 87, does not like traveling alone, is scared of evening time and is rolling around with dollars in her pocket.  She might as well be like a tourist traveling cash only in heels and a see thru wallet.  She is vulnerable but still survives.  I would not expect less when I think about it.  She lived through the incapacitation of her father.  He was beheaded when she was extremely young and the death of her husband before her eldest daughter turned 14.

My father's mother is about 92 or 93.  I still have to ask her.  She had a stroke.  When I saw her for the first time since last year, I felt humbled.  Her was a woman who would insist on walking every day who is now so weak she cannot walk even though she longs too!  Despite her physical weakness she is still kind and strong and I can sense how she feels trapped in her old hospital bed loooking out onto glass doors into this over manicured garden.

She asked me to write a diary while I'm here.  I will do that.  I keep it to at least one entry every few days.

Yesterday most interesting conversations included speaking with the dean of pharmacy about foreign placement exams "The only difficulty is with FPGE",  speaking to my cousin in law about the merits of united states vs. philippines living on raising a family and earning a living "I don't care about making money when my family is broken", talking to tito momo about art, hare krishna, a new earth, vegetarian food, meditation, being prepared for disaster "I have started a vegetarian village.  It is time we need to prepare.  GB will collapse any minute.  It's not the material thing but the essence of it that matters.".  I talked to my grandma briefly too and experienced a little bit of old jealousy as always with someone I truly love.  "you are thinner now, your place is nicer than mine, I cannot leave my home, you just called me "supladita" (spoiled, little girl)

I yoga'ed with the girls today.  I like being alone and part of me was annoyed that my yoga space was "invaded" but that could just be ego or something I'm trying to fight.  Actually, it was not even bad at all, I just wanted to practice for myself instead of teach.  I could have simply refused to teach but it's not who I am.  I'm compelled to help and want to educate, just within the appropriate frame.  I'm working on not putting up with bullshit but I don't intend to be mean.  I will work at it.

I also created a space for some laughs by innocently talking about bad things and bad words - "itot" fuck, "itoter"  fucker, "ariputan",  ""halin sa ariputan"  coming out of an asshole can be used like bullshit but it seems more direct and discriptive, Giti" young clit, "tingle" clit, "kingle" old saggy clit, clit reference can be used to refer to a woman not as "bad" as saying cunt though.  and asked Tito Fred about his life's story.  His dad died of colon cancer when he was 3, he has one beautiful and strong daughter.  It seems like in the end many parents of well adjusted filipino children abandon their old ideas of being strict.  This makes a lot of sense to me. 

Write more soon, sometimes I wonder how much time I need to be spending remember what happened?  I'm hoping to increase my memory, develop more writing skills and be present with myself.

Love and Peace.  I feel the sadness a little less now.  Imagine, without attachment, I could be so powerful!  Rather, I could tap into the power that is mine already.